Which Democratic Candidate Would Be The Best To Drink A Beer With, And Therefore The Best To Lead The Free World? I Went To Miami To Find Out.
PFT COMMENTER / BARSTOOL SPORTS
The ancient art of debate traces all the way back to the pussiest cavemen, and continues to this day as a great way for guys to get to talk to girls who disagree with them on the internet. Last night we saw a little bit of both as John Delaney to Beto O’Rourke took the stage for the first DNC debate in Miami.
I’m very interested in doing a scientific study on the question of which Candidate I would most like to drink a beer with, although I feel thats kind of chicken shit. Who drinks one beer any more. I dont think in the recorded simultanous existence of me and beer we’ve ever just hit it and quit it. I figured if I could meet some of the Candidates maybe I could find out whose the funnest hang to get intoxicated around, and therefore the best choice for leader of the free world, but maybe instead of a beer we could have a mad dog and get sulfate poisoning together. Who knows. I came to Miami to find out.
First- a little background on the city itself. I got in Tuesday and it became fairly obvious fairly quickly that Miami has the heaviest air in America. Maybe its the humidity or maybe its the fact that so many people are sneezing out cocaine and putting some serious weight into the citys atmosphere, but its like walking around wearing a tarp. Its hot as I would comfortably expect hell to be, and everyones pretending its not. The best feeling in the world is the two first steps you take into a building with air conditioning until all your sweat on your shirt starts to freeze and 75% of your nipples become visbile to the laser tag cashier.
This week Miami is taking on a decidedly different tone then the one you see in movies like Bad Boys 2, or Bad Boys 2 on Blu-ray- downtown is no longer filled with women walking to their car getting hit on by men telling them theyre hot enough to be strippers, instead its jampacked with wonks. No bathing suits and gucci on the streets right now, instead your more likeley to see the nerd version of the g-string- the lanyard.
This debate is like burning man for lanyards signifying various levels of access to increasingly more boring places to be. Luckily for me I’m bad at applying for credentals and have no such burden to carry.
During the day I interviewed DNC Chair Tom Perez, in a video you will be able to watch later and tried to get to the bottom of how come there were so many candidates, and how the DNC is setting everything up this year.
The Democrats have 20 people at the debates who are running and another dozen are so who are at minimum standing perfectly still not bothering anyone. The cream of the cream were invited to two nights of debate, split up into two teams of 10 divided by random lottery into a Orange team and a Purple team like a Clemson spring game execept Clemson typicaly does alot better in the polls. Night one featured one or two heavy hitters and I can report that nearly all of them would be better options for the Democrats then using the old greek tradition of sedition which is quite literaly selecting your leaders at total random once every couple years. I’ve long said the worse part of any Presedential Candidate is that they are the type of person who wants to be President and this could get around it nicely.
If you were confused as to whose debating night one heres a fun pnemonic device I came up with:
Had a run in with someone Im not sure who she is I’m trying to look her up on twitter can anyone find her handle?:
The streets were compartiveley quiet when put up against how things kicked off for the Republicans back in 2015. Besides a mega-phone off between The Young Turks raising awareness to climate change and Laura Loomer raising awareness to the fact that no one is raising awareness to the fact she got kicked off twitter (video to come), the streets were only sparsely packed with protestors, and pretty much abandoned by the time the debates were getting started so people could get to there watch parties. Its called the Delaney factor and you cant buy that kind of sex appeal unless you rented a car and drove like 30 minutes to Jupiter.
Heres my breakdown of the debate:
Didnt really know much about John Delaney other then I didnt think I wanted to know much about John Delaney. Now coming out of the debate I know I dont want to know much about him. Leaves my brain more time to absorb more important things like imagining how absoluteley knockout funny it would of been if he had tried to speak spanish too. Big takeaway- Ive never seen a guy in more need of a beard then John Delaney. I mean come on. Besides just about everything he did a great job and we shouldn’t make fun of him for trying.
Credit to Beto for spending so much time preparing for the debate that he developed scurvy or some other disease where your eyes try to eat your face. He got into a little Spanish-off against fellow Texan Julian Castro, but came off as a carpetbagger by not using the “vosotros” conjugations which is spanish equivlant of “y’all”. Probably lost the dozens of deep southern voters he had after that one. Betos campaign strategy so far has been to basically be a cover band that does exlusiveley Obama speeches except for Senate victory ones, but he kind of laid a egg last night. Beto managed to cement himself in his role as the tallest guy whose ass I could possibly kick on the state, but was unfairly maligned for his exchange with Castro were Castro had a gotcha moment and brought up the fact that hes partially repsonsible for the problems he’s trying to solve. To me thats a strength. If you want to figure out how to untie a knot its probably easiest and faster to just ask the guy who kidnapped you to do it. Just because he voted for legislation that hes fighting against being implemented dosent mean its nice to bring that up. He’s probably pretty embarassed about it like a shitty tattoo, which ironically is the logical extension of what has happened anytime you pass legislation putting minorties in camps indefinitely. He honestly should of just kept pretending he was debating Ted Cruz there’s nothing more every American loves then roasting that guy.
One thing you can say about Corey Booker is that he defnitely spoke a lot of words, some of them were even relevant. Booker is the Tony Romo of politics. Has been around way to long without ever really accomplishing anything besides not appearing as physically disgusting as Chris Christie looking down on him. Relies on pharmaceutical injury to artfically extend his career. Dating a famous person but you can tell would rather just be hanging out with Jim Nantz. He’s always talking like he’s mad I dont find him more engaging I’m sorry Corey I can do better.
She wins my annual ” person who defnitely isn’t going to win but I want her to stick around as long as possible because I cant get over the fact that she has eaten salad with a comb instead of a fork” award. I have to admit I was paying half attention when she spoke but Im pretty sure her policies were:
-My uncle kills a shitload of deer. Deer are fucking terrfied of my uncle
-In Minnesota we have alot of quirky sayings for stuff that literally everyone else says. Kind of a fun deal.
-There are some people who like things other people dont like so we should never do anything to make anyone happy because what about the other people I want there votes too
-Touted her fiscal success but refused to give credit to the fact her state gets a inorindate amount of financial support from tax revenue from overpaid Quarterbacks. Wouldnt be the first President to take advantage of Cousins, but at least FDR didnt believe in all this vaccine mumbo-jumbo
-You know what they say the Minnesota state bird is? The mosquito!
-She was the only person during the “name the biggest threat to human existence in one word or less” category who spoke out against Iran, cancelling their President after he called Trump retarded. Words matter, sir.
-The weather in Duluth? If you dont like it just wait five minutes
Elizabeth Warrens big knock is that she was goaded into taking a ancestory test that planned out incorrectly when she should of understood that even getting exonerating DNA results from a minorty dont really do anything to change the mind of Donald Trump. Maybe if Warren has said that her brown skinned ancestors attacked a jogger Trump would of been forced to acknowledge that .125% was enough to prove she was Cherokee. Again not sure whose advising her on this one but good luck.
She is a fact machine. Warren unveils new policies at a unfactcheckable pace. The general feel from the media is that someone else will do it so our fact checkers have been reduced to essentially Jacob Wohl and the pinnichio people from the Washington post. There are two ways to avoid these dubious factcheckers- 1 drown them in paperwork which is a skill you learn after reading one (1) James Grisham novel, or to simply never release any facts. She also needs to lie more.
She pulled a Alabama football strategy of getting out to a embarassing lead then just not doing anything for 45 minutes so you dont make any mistakes as opposed to a strategy where you build up and build up then theres a climax like a fireworks dipslay or sex for the man.
Climate Change, btw was on the agenda for a grand total of 7 minutes which is the most its even been discused between consenting parties. Tim Ryans strategy of making his hardscrabble midwestern supporters terrfied of the eventually becoming coastal elites due to rising sea levels might be the message middle america needs to get on bored with the Paris accord after all.
Tulsi Gabbards idea of “lets just shoot the ocean” (paraphrasing here) in unconventional but its probably not going to make things worse.
Lets get real- Warren seemed to control the stage with the notable exception of Delaney who was in so much control that he only got alpha’d by literally Chuck Todd and his vaguely lizard/Mike McClintock hybrid aesthetic a couple dozen times. I think the real fireworks are coming later on tonight where Bernie, Buttigieg, Harris, and company will have to reckon with the former Vice President, and the realization that if the Onion had made Joe Biden less rapey no one would want to vote for him, and if the New York Times had made Trump more rapey no one would have either. Cable news tells me Biden is the guy who could win votes in states like Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, Ohio, and other states that have forcefields around them for other nominees. Essentally Democrats want to run Biden because he repersents their version of Trump, except instead of calling Obama a Kenyan merely positioned himself to be president in the event that the birthers were right.
These four have firmley found them selves intrenched in the “lets pull out all the stops and offer all americans pizza parties every friday” part of a student government Campaign. Inslee should just sign up for the Green New Deal and there “if your all good we can all have work outside” motto.
I liked the fact that Gabbard and Ryan tusseled on the existencial philisophical question of “who attacked us on 9/11.” These are the conversations America should have been having for the last 16 years.
Gabbard spoke probably the fewest words of anyone on stage until you just realize she was more effecent with those words, by using both forms of “Aloha” to the American people simultaneously.
I like Inslee depsite the fact that he looks like Barbie and Kens former youth pastor, he just came out of the womb (triggered libs?) and everyone in the hospital knew this kid was destined to be Vice President. He governs Washington, one of the more progressive states where you have to seperate your trash into different bins for plastic, paper, stems & seeds, and REI price tags, and thats not going to fly in a country where I cant even be bothered to remove the paper wrapper bits that get stuck on my McDonalds cheese from my big mac. Now that I think about it who will be the first canidate to admit they eat the cheese paper? Its delicious. This is why we need Lincoln Chafee more than ever.
As for De Blasios- his only current job description is to make sure the trains are always running which could endear him to the Falwell family. Mr Mayor has got a haircut like if Chris Mullen played hockey, and he gave a eloquent explanation of the discussions he has to have with his african american son about racism, like we all hadnt allready seen the Blind Side.
Tim Ryan was there.
All in all I still havent found a canidate I want to drink a beer with, but I am going to continue looking. Until then- #MadDog2020