Week 3 Pick
Free State Football | Brian Earl Donson
Ohhhhh look who came crawling to that ass for some fire picks. You saw last week and thought “who is this dicknose making these picks? Does he know the NFL? Does he know football? Where’s DB Cooper’s money? Jimmy Hoffa? What is a horse shoe? Do they make horse socks? Is anybody listening to me?”. The answer is no. Nobody is listening to your thoughts, you conceited butthole. But I will tell you this…..you better listen to this thought because my ass was ALMOST perfect last week with the Free State V. This week moving forward, until you flood my twitter account like a bunch of ladies basements while they watch Channing Tatum hump a football, all you get is a single stone cold cock. Errrr, I mean lick. SHIT! I MEAN LOCK. I SAID LOCK OKAY??
Rams at Browns
Listen. We here at Free State Football have heard the hype. Baker Mayfield knows all the hip dances. Myles Garrett stacked up sacks in college (granted they were mostly in one game against UTSA, but HAVE YOU ever caught a single roadrunner you smug little man?). Odell Beckham and Jarvis Landry…wow more like WRU…..instead of DBU…at LSU…GETITU?? Damn that joke was dumb. Point is, they’ve got loads of talent…and 9 times out of 10, that BEATS all (shiiiiit, u actually thought I wouldn’t find a way to squeeze in a suspended Kareem Hunt?!)
But on the other sideline, we’ve got a photographic memory. We’ve got Goff going off. We’ve got Gurley giving swirlies. We’ve got Cooks just cooking fools. We’ve got AA Ron Donald staging interventions on the field. It’s too much for the Browns. And let’s really think about this….y’all gonna hype the Browns? The Browns. As in “ I’ll brb, gonna go take The Browns to the Super Bowl and then thoroughly wipe my Dallas Cowboy”. The franchise that has disappointed most in the history of the NFL is named after poop. I don’t believe in coincidence.
Rams (-3) stuff CHUBB (🤭 I quit thinking about Channing Tatum like 70 words ago).
Free State Football Focus: TEDDY HOLYWATER
“LIKE A BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATER…”
Stick it, Pick it, Stick it Again
Stick it, Pick it, Stick it Again by Brian Earl Donson | FREE STATE FOOTBALL
What’s up dude? Yeah…I’m talkin to you man. Special shout out to the guy that reads this every week. “It’s fun to do hoodrat stuff with my friend. Fun to do bad things.” -the other LT. Actually, I guess it would be LM, but that doesn’t play. Now let’s talk football.
STICK: Min@NYG under 43.5
Wooooooo! Where to start?! I guess I’ll start with what I know: Gary. Kubiak.
Who the hell is coaching this squad anyway? This team went from being able to score points at will, to playing keep away and aiming short of the sticks on 3rd down. I’ve seen this before….throw out the chains! Matter of fact, I think Kubes has long been trying to cancel the whole chain gang crew anyway. I mean what the hell? It’s 2019 and we’ve got lasers and shit. I’m staying ultra woke on Kubiak pulling the strings behind this Vikings debacle. This is Zimmer’s team Gary. You thought you could just waltz in here and take over and he wouldn’t notice on account of the eye patch? Wow.
On the other side of the of the field, we got Daniel Jones looking fresh, but still very young. Daniel Jones was catching shit last week for what he was wearing pregame when he showed up to the stadium. Ummm, I’m sorry…did we all forget this kid was in college like 3 weeks ago? Show me some college aged male who has a closet full of designer suits & shit, and I’ll show you the suits he keeps in his other closet…..Talkin’ skin suits people. Full blown PSYCHO move to dress nice while in college.
Anyway, there’s a lot things going on here…but unfortunately, points isn’t one of them. Take the under.
PICK: Chi -5.5 @ Oak
Now this pick here….oh baby, pick me a winner. I mean I started furiously digging around for some gold, and I think I found some here. The thing about backup QB’s at any level of football: there’s always some preconceived potential for him to be better than the starter. It’s almost mythical. “This guy sucks! Put in the backup!” -some “just a guy” yelling at the TV & the people who evaluate football talent all day..everyday..365 DAYS A YEAR. Usually, I’ll be quick to clown any backup QB because of this ill advised fandom, but not in this particular situation. We’ve been closely watching EVERY SINGLE MOVE Chase Daniel has made on the sidelines for how long? I mean since college right? There’s legitimate hype here and I like it. Plus, the Bears D is literally knocking the snot out of opposing offenses, so surely the Raiders are feeling pretty nervous about this Khalil Mack revenge game. Like the Raiders are little kids who are tucked in all snug in their race car beds, drifting away to sleep when suddenly they unconsciously remember the boogie man exists. I’m hyped up for this one. It’s too bad this isn’t the MNF game. Prime time with Joe and Booger on the call? I wish.
Don’t pick too hard or you might hurt your brain. Be easy and trust that the Bears got the Raiders absolutely BOOGER-ED. Ok, I promise that was the last one. Bears -5.5
STICK: Baltimore -3.5 @ Pittsburgh
Damn the Steelers looked good last week, but let’s be honest, they were just slapping around their old divisional punching bag out back. Ma’s out there yelling at them from the porch “yinz don’t stop hitting until that thing is black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow!”.
Ugh. I’ve written some dumb ones in my day, but that one was by far the dumbest. So much so, that I don’t even think I can just pass by it like it didn’t happen. There’s no way to atone for it. That joke was bullshit and unacceptable. I want me to sit here and think about what I did for a while. I want me to get my Nintendo 64 taken away while I bask in the perils of my own mistakes. “Hey Me! Can I go to the movies tonight? There’s this new movie out that me and the fellas are gonna catch…Never Been Ki—NOOOO.” YOUR ASS IS GROUNDED AND YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHY. THIS IS WORSE THAN THE TIME YOU MANAGED TO GIVE YOURSELF A HAIRCUT WITH THOSE PLASTIC SAFETY SCISSORS. AND DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT ASKING YOUR ME, WE’VE ALREADY DISCUSSED THIS AND HIS ANSWER IS NO TOO!!”
Well shit. Y’all let me know how this one turns out…I think I just lost my weekend TV privileges too.
FREE STATE FOOTBALL GAMEDAY SPECIAL EDITION PICK
NFL Pick 🚨SPECIAL EDITION🚨 • Free State Football
Somebody say “Heyyyyyy we want some piiiiiickkks”
“Heyyyyyyyyyy I bet you doooooooo!” But “heyyyyyyy you only get one, you DERELICT SCUMBAGGGGGGSSSS”
1 Live Crew. Hahahaha that’s what we’ll call my twitter following…then you see they’re getting booked to headline 90’s spring break concerts and there’s just one dude up there in a speedo wiggling his little winkler(@rippyjeryy I’ll let y’all decide which one of y’all has the better Fonz…..and who’s willing to risk stepping out of the first time machine in the 90’s with it possibly relocated to the middle of their forehead).
All that being said, the Free State Football pick this week is special. I’ve struggled to come up with a theme for this article that’s funny and ties in with the game, but if I said Cloak and Dagger, which two teams do you think would be facing off? You guessed the Browns and Ravens ….because Odell Beckham’s stupid dark visor stunt (cloak) and the Ravens because, well, I don’t really know why. Lamar’s “double edged dagger attack” approach gashes the defenses? I dunno… can you tell me why you associated them with a close proximity combat weapon….huh? CAN YOU TELL ME? Either way, you chose wrong.
It’s the actually the Pats -7 @ the Bills!
Median Webster dictionary states: Cloak and Dagger: relating to or showing actions or behavior in which people or governments try to protect their important secrets or try to learn the secrets of others.
What a microcosm of the last 20 years of the NFL’s greatest dynasty. We’re talking some serious espionage stuff here people, and Free State Football knows it! Injury reports hush hush? Deflate gate? Spy gate? Wow. Now here’s the part where you realize I failed to tie the Bills into the running theme in any relevant way…..to which I respond with WEAPONIZED FLYING DILDOS. A dagger is a weapon and as we saw last year, Bills fans are now armed with rubber wenis missiles (btw take the over on how many end up on the field….don’t care what it’s set at …take the over). Paragraph
So to recap: Pats -7 and take the over “infinity fake dongs landing on the field” if you can get it.