Introducing Free State Football
Week 2 NFL Picks by Brian Earl Donson
I’m not an expert gambler. Don’t start with that shit about lines moving and all that garbage….I briefly looked at these yesterday (more on that later) and if they moved since then, so what. Anyway, I’m not even a novice….but I think I know about football. Oh and I really hope you think I’m funny! Now here….take this and get off my porch you bunch of heathens.
Arizona at Baltimore
Ravens -13.5 is a stretch. I don’t like stretches. I don’t like stretching, Stretch Armstrong, stretch 4’s (suck it Lebron), or stretch limousines (Fucking make an automobile tall enough to stand up in hamburger style, then we’ll talk about stretching it hot dog style). Honestly, the only stretch I would like to have anything to do with here, would be stretching Kyler Murray’s teeny tiny shrunken face from his eyebrows down. Hammer the Cards +13.5
Philly at Atlanta
Battle of the birds. LOLZ. Hate to develop a bad habit of picking apart QB’s looks, but Carson Wentz kinda looks like a bird. Gives me a good feeling. The kind of feeling you get when you’re hungry as shit and swing by Chick-Fil-A to promptly receive your meal and a smile from the nice girl working the counter of the beautiful Mercedes-Benz StadiSHIIIIIITTTTTTT CHICK-FIL-A IS CLOSEDDDDDDDD.
Speaking of eating, if we were to routinely eat either of these types of birds, I imagine Eagle would be like the prime rib of the bird world. Falcon would be like a nice, mostly warm, and slightly dry brisket…..cooked by a great friend of yours who takes great pride in it, but knows it’s not as perfect as he hoped and has to stand by it the whole rest of the BBQ. Falcons will finish strong, but this week they eat crow (haha birdzz again). Take the Eagles -1.
Indy at Tennessee
BORRREEEEDDDDDD. Under 44.
Seattle at Pittsburgh
Sticking with the QB theme here. Russ Wilson is a good egg. Throws a tight spiral, has great ability to extend a play, and has an outstanding reputation off the field. Hell, the worst press I can find about him is “he claims his wife’s son who isn’t his”. Oh. I didn’t realize any adult outside of blood couldn’t care about a child’s future (pun). Big Ben on the other hand….? I’ll let you make your own assessments….but know this, I hate it when people call him Big Ben. Drives me stupid mad. But then I realized that level of anger isn’t equal to the level of anger I reach when I see how many times I’ve tried to Google his last name. So, here we are. Big Ben gives us, and Seattle 3.5 points. Take those points!
Hey look! Made it all the way thru and didn’t even mention it! U know…….it. That’s old news today though, what with the Antonio Brown come back.
KC at Oakland
What the fuck is this? Listen…as I referenced before, I’m not much of an expert gambler. You can come in cold and get my opinion and probably walk away with the exact same chance of winning or losing….no matter how much I studied these match-ups for you in the 15 minutes while I shit yesterday….but what in the fuck is this?! This is a coupon from Vegas. When a stupid new restaurant opens, or some other doo-doo ass product comes out, you’re enticed with a deal to purchase it. This is the Raiders to Vegas deal. A lunatic spread pops out and gets people interested in gambling, regardless of their allegiance. Vegas, gambling, money, big bucks, no whammies…blah blah blah. It’s all a scam, but no reason you shouldn’t profit off this absolute lock. CHIEFS -8…KNOCK ON YOUR G-D WOODEN PLANK IF YOU’RE WITH ME!!
Come get some! You won’t be disappointed if you follow the advice I present here with my Week 2 NFL Picks. Follow me on Twitter: @FreeStateFootb1