Wolf Blitzer Calls Al Roker | Victor Takacs

All content below is not credible. It is fiction written for satirical humor ONLY. Enjoy!

Kudos to NBC for its reporting on the issue of Obama’s love for New Kids on the Block ten years ago. Don’t y’all remember?

All other mainstream media outlets refused to acknowledge the 44th President’s admiration of the boy band for fear it would embarrass him. The Communist news media feared making him think of himself as more of a human rather than a god. NBC was the lone wolf of the liberal elite journalist crowd to go public with the now former president’s admiration for the popular boy band. It’s been ten years since, and executives at the network still occasionally have mental breakdowns about this story. NBC human resources officials chalk these episodes of breakdown up to massive panic and anxiety associated with PTSD.

Executive HR Director for the network, Herman Badurnburn tells us that “The panic and PTSD palpable throughout NBC’s hallways is all related to Matt Lauer‘s weird office door that could magically slam and lock itself. I went in there once,” he says. “And boom! There goes the door and then the lock thereafter.” He continues, “I distinctly hear the deadbolt slam into the metal plate of the door frame. The whole time this is occurring, Lauer is sitting at his desk, doing and saying absolutely nothing. So I ask him what the hell that was, and he tells me it was magic. The dude was serious as a heart attack. Trying to use humor to lighten the mood of this stoic pervert,” Badurnburn pauses and continues, “I ask him if he thinks he’s Samantha Stevens shaking that big schnoz of his all around the office to make magic. Immediately, he demands I get the hell out of his office and repetitively calls me Mrs. Kravitz. So, of course, the magic door swings back into action, and I walk out.”

It is an interesting story to say the least, but our sources at Comcast (AKA the bosses controlling NBC) tell us that the mental breakdowns of NBC executives stem not from Matt Lauer’s whacked out door but from a Wolf Blitzer threat. That’s right. It’s the dumb bearded CNN host that has NBC’s higher ups rattled.

Apparently when this story about Obama’s great love for New Kids on the Block is run on the NBC Nightly News, CNN’s Wolf Blitzer calls Al Roker laughing hysterically. Blitzer tells Roker, “You dumbasses! Don’t you see what you’ve done? You ran a story that is defamatory to our President, a saint if ever there were one. He’ll dis-invite you and everyone at your network from his probable canonization. See you next Nevuary pecker head!” Roker apparently makes an attempt to respond but instead of his typical useless verbal diarrhea pouring forth, it is real diarrhea that plagues he and his underpants.

In other words, he sharts. Once Wolf Blitzer calls Al Roker from the CNN SHITuation Room, all bets are off. Unfortunately Roker would shart again on a visit to the White House. So what causes this unfortunate incident? His presence at the residence of America’s top executive likely triggers a panic attack that prompts a surprising bile movement that, once again, put he and his underpants in an incredibly crappy situation.

To this day, neither Obama, Blitzer, Comcast executives, Roker or others in the NBC newsroom will comment on the likely canonization of the 44th president and NBC’s current status of their invitation to the event.

We can however confirm that Lauer’s magical lock was in fact a real thing. Below is a disheveled Roker just after having emerged from Lauer’s office. It’s likely that Lauer ripped Roker’s shirt off in an attempt to sexually assault him. Upon Roker’s inability to get the door to the office open to exit, he is luckily able to get to the landline phone in the office to call the NBC Facilities Department. In less than two minutes, Roker is liberated from Lauer’s hell when facilities personnel arrives to unlock the door.

Roker has stated that he did not have his cell phone on him at the time he was in Lauer’s office. One has to wonder why. Had there been a secret shart that day that was so messy it had rendered Roker’s phone immediately shitty and unable to work? Some NBC staffers have said that Roker had a new phone after the day in question. In response to these allegations, he has denied all of them and has described them as “shitty.”

Just as an aside, you’ll notice that Roker has a tattoo of Lauer just above his left nipple in the breast area. We have no idea why.

All of the content above that you just read is not credible. It is fiction written for satirical humor ONLY. The picture of Al Roker is also not a real photograph. It has been manipulated.