by Joseph Scodney
A Jim Beam warehouse used for storage to age whiskey in Woodford County, Kentucky caught fire late Tuesday night. The blaze continued throughout the morning on Wednesday until it finally burned out sometime Wednesday (yesterday) afternoon. 45,000 barrels (1.89 Million gallons) of whiskey perished in the fire. Immediate efforts to stop runoff of the powerful liquid into nearby Glenns Creek were mostly successful, but some of the liquor did end up making its way into the water. The local fire department built sand embankments along the edge of the creek, yet the near impossible task of containing the unpredictable potion was just not enough.
What a funny little concoction whiskey is; unpredictable as hell when consumed and unpredictable as hell when not consumed. Once you let it out of the bottle or the barrel, that’s your ass. Why worry about the whiskey hitting the creek bed? Well imagine a creek flowing through a federal Superfund Site. Yes indeedy. That’s what you have. So if you’re considering imbibing in some spirits to celebrate our racist nation today (Colin Kaepernick’s words and/or thoughts, not mine), you may as well go drink from a body of water on a former Monsanto dumping ground. That’s how toxic whiskey is. I for one chose to put the bottle down for that reason and another: Whiskey existed at the same time slavery did. I guess I had a bit of the ol Betsy Ross guilt; God rest her soul.
I’m totally joking. I never had any Betsy Ross guilt. That would be pretty stupid. I’m totally joking squared (you know, like a number multiplied by itself). Whiskey is not as toxic as water from a Superfund site. It can however kill limited amounts of fish, because it depletes oxygen levels in water. Amazing! It’s as if I can hear a collective sigh of relief from all of the drunks who are reading this. No worries people. You are free to drink heavily today, unbridled by my fake news.
Speaking of fake news, some jackass on the world wide web is acting like they got unprecedented eyewitness photos of the aforementioned warehouse fire. He/She/It posted fake Jim Beam ads with burning bottles of whiskey online. He/She/It even goes so far as to photo shop fake labels on the bottles that say “Jim Beam Fire.” This really seems to be the work of some teenage click bait amateur. Pictures of bottles on fire? This idiot must not know what happened. It was barrels of whiskey that burned, not bottles. I don’t know what this person’s motive is, but it’s not funny at all. These are the fake photos that double as fake ads:
I’d be more impressed with some rumored news story about Mad Magazine calling it quits. That to me is more believable, because I would definitely think Pete Buttigieg is behind it. Remember. It wasn’t that long ago that President Trump was saying Buttigieg looks like Alfred E. Neumann. Couldn’t you see that little twerp crying himself to sleep plotting his overthrow of the creators of his new nemesis, Mr. Alfred E. Neumann? I could!
- some jackass thinks they’re funny