Social Justice WarriorsSatire

Exclusive: Social Justice Warriors

Exclusive: Social Justice Warriors | Brian Earl Donson


I know what you’re thinking: “this do-gooder SJW (Social Justice Warrior) is gonna sit here and scold Chik-fil-a for their Christian ideals” Nein. “Oh he must be ready to give his opinion on the chicken sandwich war of 2019!” Nò (in Spanish). “Lolololol with football season on the horizon, he’s totally remembering how the Falcon’s have a Chik-fil-a in their stadium that never opens hehe” 3 & OUT, PUUUUNT!

Remember when studying for the reading portion of the TAAS test, your teacher made you underline the article’s title? That’s right, the keys to this ride are already in the ignition baby! We talking FIRE HINEYS!

Spot-Up • Miss Universe Soccer Challenge

Butt not those! Actually just one fire hiney in particular. MINE.

Now I must confess, I am not a social justice warrior. Far from it actually. Butt I did eat TWO spicy chicken sandwiches from Chik-fil-a yesterday and my God…….these cheeks are hotter than the Amazon right now! (see what I did there? the climate in the Amazon is usually very warm, butt it’s also on fire right now. Sorry bout-cha ass Jeff Bezos).

I don’t know why I do it to myself. Every single time I eat one of these spicy treats, I regret being born the next day. It’s the literal definition of insanity, butt Hey Zeus Christ, they’re f’ing delicious. Only this time, I doubled down! Holy shit future me, get your wallet out if you want, but the only thing that’s cashing this check is your ass! Call it a moment of weakness, stupidity, or pure ballsiness..I went for 2.

Social Justice Warriors
Getty Images • Donson et al

Stupid, I know, but at the time of writing this, I am actually on the mend. Things are looking up! I can smell scents again, and earlier I noticed a few colors have come back to my field of vision! It appears I will make a full recovery, only to definitely repeat this process again in the not so distant future. Butt hey, moderation is for cowards. Sometimes you go for 2 and it works out…gallantly striding behind the wheel barrow in front of you (which is carrying your huge balls).

OU vs. Boise State
Getty Images

…….and other times, you call the wrong play… forcing you to make a panic dump stop at a local grocer on your way to work. My complements on the facilities tho Mr. Butt! (No seriously. Most of you know already know this, but a guy named Mr. Butt actually founded this particular grocery chain). This exclusive on social justice warriors should make it clear as to which side of the good vs. evil divide Mr. Butt stands on!

Later on,


2 replies »

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.